Randomness

:: In the morning you get dressed. You put on a pair of jeans and a brown sweater. You try to coordinate your socks to your sweater, just in case anyone sees them. You walk out the door thinking you look pretty good, never thinking about what the day might hold. You come in the door that night with everything different. And you don't care at all what you look like. And you want to throw the brown sweater away. It must have bad juju now.

:: It's harder to hold yourself together when people are being kind.

:: I think that I've come the closest I will ever come to knowing what it feels like to be a man.* {keep in mind, i still write this from a woman's brain and experience} When your partner miscarries it's not your body. You aren't experiencing the physical pain any more than you were experiencing the physical pregnancy. You might be having the same emotional pain but someone has to be strong. Someone has to hold it together and listen to the words of the doctor and the hospital. Someone has to call her Mom. Someone has to call her employer. And someone has to be together enough to do it without falling apart.

You can grieve of course. Just do it quietly. And out of the way. At a more convenient time.

And I think that must be what it feels like to be a man some days. {and maybe i'm just full of bullshit. feel free to let me know.}

*please know that nothing A. has said or done has made me feel this way. and maybe that's also what it feels like to be a man. no one ever says "this is what you're supposed to do". . .it's just what you feel is expected. . .