Absence

I've been missing from this space for a few days now. There are several reasons, the first being that it's nearing the end of February and that fact alone makes me struggle mightily every year just to make it until my birthday in the middle of March. I've written posts in my head. I've taken pictures with my phone and with my camera that may or may not ever see the light of day. I've just not had the energy or the inclination to go any farther than that.

The second reason is practical. We haven't had internet or television service in several days. An AT&T guy is coming to the house today to see if he can repair it.

The third reason is personal. We lost the baby yesterday. A few weeks ago I said that we made the decision to be open about our journey towards motherhood because we had both spent most of our lives not talking about things out of fear. I'm still glad we made that decision, even though it means having a difficult conversation over and over again now.

I titled this post absence – explaining mine – and being honest about how we are feeling right now. I awoke in the night to find the bed gently shaking with sobs. The absence of someone we never met is real. The hurt is real. But so is the hope. Spring will eventually come. The internet will eventually return magically through the air to my computer. My brain will bubble again with ideas to be committed to paper. We will most likely begin to save our pennies again to take a few more tentative steps towards motherhood.

But for right now, we will just be still in the absence.