Sunday, December 26, 2010

It Could Have Been Better

"I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues."
~ Duke Ellington

So, Christmas could have been better. It also could have been worse. Much worse. So at least I'm working at keeping it in perspective.

For the last five days I've been taking care of people. And dogs. And I'm feeling pouty about it. And put out. And whiny. And all of those things that you feel when life isn't fair and you're tired of cleaning up vomit. And blood. And you're sick of changing bandages. And making another bowl of jello makes you want to scream.

I haven't eaten anything but junk for the last five days because I'm not going to cook just for me and Ali can't eat. So I pick at Christmas cookies. And eat chicken broth because that's what I'm "cooking" for her.

And then I pout some more.

And then I get all down on myself for being so selfish and feel guilty for acknowledging that these are all the things I really feel. And try to pretend that I don't.

Here's the deal – Ali got the stomach flu on Wednesday night. It wasn't pretty. She got a little better. Until Saturday night. Then she got worse. Much, much worse. {visualize her sitting in the bathtub with the shower running, crying, while I laundered soiled clothing} In the middle of all that, Oliver cut an artery in his leg. He had emergency surgery on Christmas Eve. It cost $360. He popped his stitches on Christmas Day. I spent 24 hours sitting with him, "MacGyvering" a way to keep him from licking and reopening his artery. I finally devised a contraption of an ace bandage and a thermal long-sleeved shirt that he wears with his leg through the arm hole.

And this is why I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and sing a little bit of the blues. I'm not a bad, selfish person for feeling what I feel. I just can't give in to the temptation to become the person those feelings would have me become.

And there's really no danger of that.

Now. . . bandages, broth and laundry are calling my name. . .

{edited to add:: in my self-pity i neglected to remember there was also extreme kindness yesterday. one of my oldest friends took pity on my plight and showed up at the door yesterday with cardboard and directions on how to make your own Elizabethan collar for a dog. an angel of mercy i tell ya! thanks digg!}


Nancy said...

Oh, sweetie, here's a big hug for YOU from one of your biggest fans.

Ami said...

You have to admit it's sort of a cute picture...

Hope everyone is feeling better soon and that you don't have to sing the blues unless you wanna.