That phrase has been stuck in my head since then.
I fully appreciate and understand what he was trying to get at. And, I think there are lots of pivotal moments in our lives in which we are ruined for the average. The first time a baby takes a drink of Mountain Dew instead of milk - sugar has ruined her for the average. The first car you ever bought that had air conditioning, power steering or satellite radio ruined you. There's no going back to a car with crank windows or an eight track cassette player!
Another ruined for the average example came to mind this week - one I'm certain that preacher didn't anticipate, nor would he approve of. My first girl kiss.
I had been kissed by a few boys by the time I was 17. I'd had boyfriends, gone to school dances, made out on the band bus and fooled around fairly innocently in some back seats by my 16th birthday. It was all ok – not earth shattering, but it was alright. I was happy.
And then she kissed me. (There's actually a bit of debate about that. She says I kissed her. I clearly remember that moment - and she kissed me. But I wanted her to.) In that moment it all changed. I wasn't just happy. I was home – it was the truest and most honest expression of myself that I'd ever felt.
I don't hate boys. I never have. I could probably marry one tomorrow and be reasonably happy. But I wouldn't be at home. I'm ruined for the boy average.
When I think about it now, I still feel the butterflies in my stomach. I still feel the deep joy. In all honesty, I still feel the terror as I looked up at the ceiling of my bedroom and literally waited for lightening to strike me dead.
And when it didn't, I leaned in for another one.
I'm still ruined. . .
3 comments:
I know someone who said the same about her first kisses and love from a person of the same sex.
She said it was so perfect, that she had not understood before then what she was missing from her life.
Now I wish she had found her current partner at that time instead of having to search through a few and go through so much anguish from family, but I recently saw her and met her girlfriend for the first time... and even I, a fat old hetero housewife, could see the 'rightness' of their relationship before we had a chance to talk.
"Choice" my ass.
Ami - You are so generous with your words and your wisdom. Thank you.
You so resonate with me on 2 levels. 1)In my journal from 1994 (the year I came out) is this exact sentence, "It felt like coming home." 2)Kenya ruined me for average. What a great way to express what happened to me. Thanks for being such a great writer.
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