Oliver's Latest Treasure

I'm beginning to believe that we have the dumbest squirrels on the block in our back yard.

This is his second one in two weeks. I'm starting to feel like the squirrel coroner. And I'm starting to think of Oliver as a serial killer.

Last Saturday morning, very early, I peeked out the back window and saw Oliver playing with something. I had a gut feeling it wasn't something good so I walked out into the back yard. It was a squirrel. The body was missing the head and, worse, he was pulling organs out of the hole where the head was supposed to be. Gross.

And, no Oly, – I don't want a kiss.

I didn't know what to do with the body, so I looked both ways before chucking it over the fence into the neighbor's yard – a decision I immediately regretted. The neighbor has a coon dog named Gracie, but since she's about 74 years old I knew the neighbor would figure out that she hadn't actually caught and killed that squirrel all by herself.

So, last night I was in something of a body disposal quandary. I couldn't risk another fence maneuver and the city trash pickup is a week away – and it's 95 in Ohio. I didn't have a lot of time to think the matter over. Ali had a softball game and I needed to pack her a sandwich and meet her at the ball field so she could eat. So I came up with a quick plan.

I put the squirrel corpse in a plastic grocery bag with the intention of taking it out along a country road and disposing of it there.

I made Ali a sandwich, put the lunch bag and the body bag in the car and put the dogs in their crates. Everything was going according to plan. As I headed out towards River Road I had the windows down in the car. The wind was rustling the bags and that kind of freaked me out. I knew the squirrel was dead but I couldn't help but think he was trying to get out.

I drove out along the river and saw a tall grassy spot that would make a nice final resting place. In a hurry to get it over with and get that thing out of my car I grabbed the bag and started to dump the body. What fell out was a peanut butter sandwich. . . I stared at it, kind of dumbfounded for a second. What the hell?? I had grabbed the wrong bag out of the backseat.

Then a mental image came to me that made me laugh like a crazy woman, standing along side a country road all alone – Ali opening up her bag expecting a peanut butter sandwich and finding Oliver's latest treasure. 

I must admit that it crossed my mind just for the fun of watching her reaction.