Right or Free?

I mentioned in this post that it's my Lenten intention to work on forgiveness this year. I'm a week into the online course. I have to honestly admit that this is much tougher than I anticipated. Right now, it sucks and I'm hating it.

There. I said it. Can I move on?

The course format is such that you receive three emails a week. On Monday the assignment was to identify the reasons that practicing forgiveness is difficult in your personal situation. In other words, to figure out why you are stuck wherever it is you are. Some of the attitudes are conscious and some are not. 

I got started on this path to Lenten-cranky when I realized that the reason I am still angry at the church and haven't practiced forgiveness over the whole ugly situation boils down to one very succinct phrase – I don't want to.

So very spiritually mature. But, at least I'm being honest. I had a few days to come to terms with that before the next assignment arrived in my inbox. It contained a question that has basically tormented me since opening the email.

"In your current situation would you rather be right or be free?"

I'm finding it difficult to convey how angry that question made me. (My  stream of consciousness responses for about the last three days have run the following route – "Fuck you! I already know that I didn't do anything wrong! ** I am right and I don't need to prove myself to anyone just to get their validation! ** I'm sick of  constantly trying to make myself better when no one else gives a shit about what they've done... ** Blah, blah, blah ** ad nauseam

You get the picture. A solitary little boat adrift in a sea of self righteousness.

And for three days I floated there. What really had me stuck was that when I got past all the self righteousness; when I dug deep and threw away all the baggage and pride overboard; I truly, humbly feel like I am right. Sure, I'm human and things are messy. But, when it came right down to it, I did the right things, as quickly as I could. There were a lot of things that that the people at the church never knew. They still don't know. They will never know. But, from my side of the boat, I did the best I could. It wasn't perfect but I admitted that a million times and asked for forgiveness at least that many.

So where did that little epiphany leave me? Nowhere any better. 

Do you want to be right or be free?

Both.

Not possible.

"So," my thought process went, "I might as well forget this whole forgiveness thing then. I'm stuck – forever."

And then, last night about 2:15 a little pinhole of light came moving towards me. It got bigger and bigger until it finally broke through my tunnel vision – No one but you gives a shit about whether you were right or not. You are holding yourself hostage with this notion of virtue being triumphant in the end. It's not going to happen. No. One. Cares.

I feel something akin to relief for the first time as I'm writing this. It's true. If I am waiting for some kind of apology, some kind of validation – it's not going to happen.

Do you want to be right or be free?

I finally see how to be free.

Move along people. Move along. There's nothing to see here. 

"The hard truth is that we all love poorly. 

We do not even know what we are doing 

when we hurt others. 

We need to forgive and be forgiven 

every day, every hour - unceasingly. 

That is the great work of love 

among the fellowship of the weak 

that is the human family. 

The voice that calls us the Beloved 

is the voice of freedom 

because it sets us free to love without wanting 

anything in return. 

This has nothing to do with self-sacrifice, 

self-denial or self-depreciation. 

But is has everything to do with the abundance of love 

that has been freely given to me and from which 

I feely want to give." 

— Henri J. M. Nouwen, "Forgiveness: The Name of Love in a Wounded World"