It's Ash Wednesday. I read somewhere recently that nobody likes Ash Wednesday. It's full of all those churchy words and concepts that we would rather forget – sin, forgiveness, death, self-examination, discipline. I have to differ. I believe that Ash Wednesday, when approached with honesty and vulnerability, can be the most powerful and purposeful day of the year.
This day opens up the gateway to 40 days of telling the truth about ourselves to the God who already knows everything anyway, yet still loves us without reservation. It gives us 40 days to face ourselves and learn not to be afraid. It also give us 40 days to allow ourselves to be transformed.
For me, in order to be authentic and vulnerable, I have to confront my own sin. To be more specific – I need to embrace my own sinfulness if I want to be able to allow God to make it into something different. I have to own the notion that there are so many ways that I choose death over life every single day.
That's all sin is you know. It's all those experiences that make parts of ourselves, and others, die. The dying may come in tiny, tiny ways or it make come in waves of pain and brokenness that crash over us like an ocean that has no end. But, it's all sin. It all brings death. And it takes us further and further away from the person God created us to be. And that's why, I believe that sin is not the same condition for everyone. Is anger at your boss bringing you energy to change situations or is it bringing you the death of purpose and joy that comes from productive work? Does one glass of wine bring you relaxation with a good meal or does it lead you down a path of self-harm and mindless consumption? The choices go on and on and each one is different for each individual.
If there's one thing I know for sure this year – I need more life and less death this Lenten season.
So, as I sit at my computer screen and search my heart for those things that make parts of my spirit die, I know that the thing I need most to focus on this year is forgiveness.
With that in mind, the thing that I'm going to add to my spiritual journey for the next 40 days is an online retreat and practice group. The course is called Forgiveness - Growth in Love and will be hosted by Contemplative Outreach, founded by Fr. Thomas Keating. Keating is best known for his teachings on the kind of prayer I already practice, Centering Prayer.
From the course description:
Forgiving is one of the most difficult and complex gestures and yet, like love, it is one of the things which defines the essence of our humanity. In fact, the contemplative dimension of forgiveness reveals that at its core, forgiveness is a divine gift of love, a movement of love so profound that it reveals the truth of our nature — fully human and enlivened with the divine potential.
Yet, the very fact that we do not forgive, or find forgiveness so difficult, reveals another essential quality of our humanness — free will. We have a God-given ability to choose, to be and to do as we please, and how we choose defines the level of our being. In seeking to live a contemplative life in the modern world, we are invited to make conscious, loving choices.
I said in yesterday's post that I feel like I've already given up enough. I don't back down from that statement. I still feel profoundly hurt by the Church, by Christianity and by the people who so loudly proclaim to be Christians. However, this is the intersection at which I get to choose – will it be new life in the future or will it be continued death in the past?
I'm going to start with the Ash Wednesday service at Trinity Episcopal downtown, tonight at 7:00. My 2009 40 Day Lenten intention is to practice forgiveness and embrace life – abundant and free.
What's yours?
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