Another Vignette From My Life

Setting: The warehouse facility where we clean. I was working in the cafeteria and Ali was preparing to vacuum the front offices. Out of nowhere she comes busting into the cafeteria.

A: T! Come here! Quick!! There's something on the carpet!

Me: (not particularly concerned) What?

A: It's some kind of BUG! And it's BIG!

Me: (accustomed to exaggeration) How big?

A: HUGE!

Me: (thinking this, not daring to say it out loud) Yeah, OK. Whatever.

We went to the front offices and all I saw was a cricket. (thinking to myself - What's the big deal? It's just a cricket.)

Me: It's a cricket. It won't hurt you.

A: I want to do the Buddhist thing and not kill it! I want to take him outside and set him free! Should I grab him by his antennas??

Me: Ummm. Probably not. They might come off and that wouldn't be good.

(She bent over and cupped her hands but I was pretty sure that when she grabbed him that she was going to freak and he was going to go flying. Screaming while doing janitorial work is probably frowned on, so I kept thinking.)

Me: Hey! Go to the cafeteria and get a styrofoam cup. Then you can put it over him and scoop him up and take him out! That will work.

(She went to get a cup and I went back to work.)

A: (talking to herself, or to the cricket, I'm not sure which) I'm gonna save his life! Come on little fella. . .Let's go outside!

(I'm thinking that it would have been a heck of a lot quicker just to kill him and vacuum up the remains, but was secretly kind of glad we hadn't. The next thing I heard was an anguished groan, followed by a terrible, "Oh my God. . .Honey! Come quick!")

When I went back this is what I found –

Yeah, that's his head. . .totally separate from his body. What you can't really see is the yellow goo coming out of the place where his head used to be.

A: (real tears forming in her eyes) I'm sorry little fella! I'm so sorry little guy! I tried to put the cup over you so I could take you outside but I ACCIDENTALLY. CHOPPED. OFF. YOUR. HEAD. . . (tears are falling now)

Me: It's OK honey. It's your intention that matters most. (by now I'm dying, trying not to laugh out loud)

A: Come on little guy. . .now that I've killed you, you might as well go on outside and feed someone else. . .

That did it. I couldn't take it anymore. Between the gusts of laughter I suggested that perhaps she should pray real hard over his still twitching body. Maybe he could still grow another head.

She flounced out carrying the cup with the various disassembled body parts and gave me a look that said perhaps if I didn't shut up I might be the one needing to grow a new head. . .