Saturday, December 03, 2011

Wanderer {Reverb 11::Day 1}

"May you finish 2011 well and may 2012 be filled with amazing possibilities."

I saw this as a Facebook post on a friends page the other day and I wondered how I could live this into reality for myself. Nothing was really resounding with my heart. Until this morning. Surfing around the internet at 4 AM on a sleepless {night? morning?} I found these writing prompts. One for every day of December, encouraging the writer to look back at 2011 with honest clarity and look forward to living 2012 with some kind of intentional joy.

Maybe because I've felt lost since May, perhaps because I need an assigment to feel motivated, my soul wants to "finish 2011 well."

Day 1 - One Word. Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you?

My one word came easily. It's wanderer. Not a word I'm comfortable with and certainly not a word I would have chosen for myself at the beginning of 2011. I like paths. I resonate with plans and stability; directions and clear-cut formulas. {hence needing writing prompts to actually plant the seat of my pants in a chair and put pen to paper to clear out my head}

And this year has had few formulas, directions or prompts.

I got a new job - which I adore - but getting that new job meant more hours, more stress and less time for pondering and writing. It also meant leaving something I was comfortable with and moving into this unknown year of learning the expectations of new tasks, new people and new routines.

I navigated the very turbulent waters of extreme financial stress with no one to tell me how it would all resolve itself in the end. To date, this has been the most gut-wrenching, failure-inducing, painful thing of my life.

It seems, in this past year, that I've left the institution of church and am wandering in this new place of finding a spiritual home that doesn't oppress and choke my soul.

Together, Ali and I are wandering the path that may {or may not} lead to motherhood. This year we got pregnant on our first try with artificial insemination and miscarried about a month and a half later. Since, we've tried three more times without success.

And so, I arrive at the beginning of December bone-tired.

But with this nagging desire to "finish 211 well and enter into 2012 recognizing amazing possibilities."

As I sit here and wrestle with these words, who's journey from my brain to fingers seems so rusty and slow, the phrase "all who wander are not lost" comes to me. Turns out those are the thoughts of J.R.R. Tolkien. And his words made me weep - sitting at my kitchen table in my pajamas, with my wild hair, old-lady reading glasses and thoughts about how hard it is to be a wanderer.

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

And, for today, I will sit with these words and ponder the "fire that shall be woken" in 2012.

1 comment:

Ami said...

A good and thoughtful post. I have been wondering about the IVF and how the two of you are doing.

One of the kids I see at our program when we combine our groups for holiday programs is the son of two women. He has an older brother.

They're so happy, all of them... I always hope that for you and Ali when I see them.