Saturday, March 05, 2011

The Magic of Words

"I think one of our cardinal, crazy fuckups is how we insist that even vicious, whimsical, crazy shit needs to make sense, add up, belong to a reason. We lay this pain on ourselves – there must be a reason behind all this horror, there must, but I ain't adequate to findin' it, and that's my fault, so torture me some more."
~ Tomato Red by Daniel Woodrell

I just finished the book Tomato Red last night and the writing blew me away. The magic of good writers, stringing words together in a way that gives meaning to life will never cease to amaze me. I've never read descriptions like I read in that book. This guy is one phenomenal writer.

"The church was bright white and pointed and seemed like a structure that would rough me up with scolds and lectures and ghastly passages from the Book if I ever walked on
that side of the street."

"God damn, " she says, "you know, that big rotten gap between who I am, and who I want to be, never does quit hurtin' to stare across."

It's not a long book, but it's writing that demands to be read slowly so that the images can become fully formed in your mind and stick with you days afterward. That's what happened to me with that first quote. Mind you, Ali and I are nowhere near the kind of desperation being given voice to there, but we look at the events of the last two weeks and try to assign them some kind of meaning, something of significance so that it doesn't feel so random and unequal.

It doesn't really help much that there is still no resolution. Her hCG levels are still hanging near 200 two weeks later so it looks like it was possible that this pregnancy was ectopic and her body is still trying to resolve the issue. {by now her number should be 0-5. . .not nearly 200} So we sit in limbo. Waiting for another blood test in a week and half. Waiting for doctor bills from the fertility clinic to arrive so we can pay them off and start again.

And mostly we sit and wonder why. And what to do differently next time.

1 comment:

random thougths said...

"God damn, " she says, "you know, that big rotten gap between who I am, and who I want to be, never does quit hurtin' to stare across."
And mostly we sit and wonder why. And what to do differently next time.
These lines hit home in ways that I cannot describe. I see this gap and continuously wonder what's wrong with me, or what can I do different... all the while trying desperately to believe in this God that doesn't seem to make life fair...
You are loved by people who want what's best for you, too bad we can't help God see what we believe is best... Luv to you.