if you ever felt this need to look up the word miscarriage in the thesaurus this is what you would find –
miscarriage: failure, foundering, ruin, ruination, collapse, breakdown, thwarting, frustration, undoing, nonfulfillment, mismanagement
and i always thought it was an event. a thing that happened to people who weren't careful. who smoked and drank or who didn't care for themselves or for others. i thought it happened one day and a day or two later you were ready to begin again.
a month later we're still wondering what's going on. we're still taking blood. we're still making phone calls and desperately trying to extract information from doctors who must think that all women are somehow born with some kind of secret knowledge in our dna just because we are female and because of that they don't have to bother explaining things. you know, they are busy and all. . .with people who are still pregnant. . .
weeks later i'm learning that miscarriage is not an event that happens at a moment in time, despite the handwritten note, scribbled on a post-it while the doctor's assistant gives you a precious 30 seconds of her time. the note reads "miscarriage - February 22, 2011 Level still 20.2"
it's a note that breaks my heart when i see it crumpled up on the kitchen counter, between the bread bowl and the paper towels. and i'm not the one still bleeding.
miscarriage isn't one moment in time.
its a slog. and for now it feels like it just goes on and on.