Sunday, February 27, 2011

What Feels A Little Bit Like A Wrap-Up, But Isn't Really

Dumb title to a post, but a good descriptor of where I find myself this weekend.

We survived what might have been the toughest week of our lives together. As the week wore on, Ali began to feel better and I struggled more and more. As she began to climb out of the hole of her sadness it felt as though I fell deeper and deeper. We talked about it and she believes that I held everything together for her and pushed my own feelings away until a time in which she wasn't in such a precarious place.

It could be.

By Friday morning I was in a tough spot. I struggled to get dressed for work and drove through the snowstorm wanting to be anywhere but where I was – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

And then I listened to the Mumford & Sons album Sigh No More and felt as though I was struck by lightening when I heard Timshel. It felt like divine intervention. It also felt that the snowstorm was also a bit of intervention. My boss took pity on me and sent me home. Ali and I spent the day talking, making lists of our blessings and taking a few tentative steps forward – away from pain and towards life. We talked, laughed, took a nap, bought paint to re-do what might someday be a baby's bedroom, ate sushi and listened to live music with friends.

It was just what we needed.

And then real life came back, just like it always does. Saturday morning found me rotten, horrible sick. At first I thought it was a hangover - I did have two and a half beers {gasp!} on Friday night, but as it has lasted more than 48 hours now, I know I'm not that much of a lightweight. I just figured it was my awful luck until a good friend suggested it might just be my body's reaction to stress. And I think he's probably right. It's gotta leave your body somehow.

So that's where we are. Leaving despair. Driving on towards hope. We're going to give Ali's body a little while to heal. We're giving our spirits some room to breathe. We have to pay off the fertility clinic bills and save enough to purchase some more Donor #11306.

And then we're going to try again.

Anyone for a spaghetti dinner, sperm-buying, fundraising event?? {straight folks have it so easy. . .}

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