Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Here We Go Again

It's Fantasy Football season again. You might remember that last year I devised a complicated algorithm based on team color and bewildering spelling of names in order to draft my team. I finished in the middle of the pack. I wasn't satisfied with that performance and am determined to do better this year. My fearless teacher/babysitter/football guru/friend Nancy advised me last year. She was incredibly awesome so I hired/begged/threatened her to help me this year too. Following is a transcript of our email exchanges as I attempt to prepare for the draft on Friday night.

I decided that the defining characteristic for my picks this year was going to be good hair. I told Nancy, but I think she ignored me.

{Reader beware - I'm an idiot. Nancy is a saint. My actual emails are word for word. What I was thinking is in italic type.}

Tanya:: So, our fantasy draft is Friday night. This year we are playing head-to-head like the grown up people play! What do I need to keep in mind as I pick players. . .I mean besides good hair, weird last names and uniform color??

Nancy:: Don't worry about a QB until the 4th round. Try to get a RB first round and then second and third rounds another RB and receiver(order doesn't matter) Only draft 1 kicker, wait until the couple last rounds. I would try to get a really good TE in the 5th round.(D. Clark, A Gates, V. Davis, J Finley or V Shiancoe) if people picked them already get a WR and then a TE in the 6th. Defense can be a later round too. Then fill in your bench. Does that help? any other questions? If by chance P Manning, Brees or Rodgers is still available in the 3rd round grab one of them. We have 14 teams so my draft sucked this year. I was the 14th pick which mean I picked 14th, 15th and then not until 42nd and 43rd. My favorite RB's are R Rice, C Johnson Jones Drew and Peterson. I of course did not get any of them. Let me know if you have any more questions.

{I've never heard of most of those people. . .}
{Do any of them have good hair?}
{All of those initials and things make that paragraph kind of look like a recipe. . .}
{What should we have for supper tonight? Maybe try something new?}
{Come on! Get it together here! She's trying to HELP you! Pay attention!}

Tanya:: Many thanks master teacher! I will try to do u proud!!

{O god. . .Don't panic. You can do this. . .}

Nancy:: Oh I was going to tell you one other thing. I try, the best I can to avoid players from BAD NFL teams. At least in the earlier rounds. Sometimes they come through but most times the other defense knows that he is the best player on the team so they focus on that person. My best example is Steven Jackson He often goes top 10 pick. I would get him later maybe third round but not first. Another is Steve Smith from Carolina, awesome player but doesn't have a great QB to throw to him, so I think he is kind of iffy. Does that make sense? Try not to take a New england RB as they have 3 backs they rotate so you never know who is going to get the carries.

{RB + QB + WR = WTF??}
{NE has three backs. . .doesn't that HURT??}

Tanya:: Oh God. . .my head will explode! How can I find a list of the worst teams?? I need to make a cheat sheet!!

Nancy:: You can look at last years record. Def. bad= St Louis, Tampa, Buffalo, Cleveland. I think will do better this year but still not great= Seattle, Detroit, Chiefs, Raiders. Here are a few players from these bad teams that I would take in the 4th round or later. Calvin Johnson, Javid Best, Jamaal Charles, Dwayne Bowe, Steven Jackson, Justin Forsett. Typically top 10 players but don't have a good QB this year= Larry Fitzgerald and Steve Smith(Carolina) You'll be fine....

{But do any of these dudes have good hair??}

Tanya:: you are too smart for your own good. . .

{And you need to get a life. . .but I'm totally glad you don't have one during football season! And besides that, you read the prattling nonsense posted on this blog every day and you don't tell me to get a life. . .even when someone clearly should. . . And, besides that, where would I be without you when it comes to this craziness??? Clearly, in last place in my league. . .}

So, I made myself a cheat sheet. I crossed off all the ones she said to avoid. I marked each position with the draft rounds she recommended. I made a list of the worst teams and players to avoid. I even took a yellow highlighter to the players I refuse to draft for moral reasons.

Hey, a girl has to draw the line somewhere. I don't care how good their hair is. . .no assholes on my team!

And, Nance, I apologize now. I'm sure it's going to be another long season of babysitting me! You're the BEST!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Well TP, (I love that nickname, it kinda reminds me of your team you drafted last year)
I'm glad (for your sake)that all your research and your tapping into your advisor's strategy helps improve your outlook for the upcoming season. But, as most all sporting events begin, so does the smack talk that goes along with it, so here's mine. Forget about "moral" reasons! These dudes are trying to kill each other every week, and, for the most part, they're trying to do it on Sunday, of all days. If you're going to try and be nice about it, you're doomed for failure. I'd hate to see you wander down that long road into obscurity, finishing in the middle of the pack again, believing all along that you actually might win! I'd feel bad that I, the defending champ, might have anything to do with your impending journey into irrelevance.
There, now that should get you fired up and put your moral reasoning aside for the next few months.

The Force From The North.