Motel H-E-Double Toothpicks

You know that feeling when you've been in the car for more than ten hours and your butt is paralyzed and you're wondering why you ever thought a vacation was a good idea in the first place? That feeling that comes over you when you see a beautifully glowing neon sign, nestled in the mountains of upstate New York that spells out "M O T E L"? It's that feeling that consumes you as you beg the driver of your vehicle to stop for the night. It's that feeling that, even though the said motel looks a little sketchy, you manage to convince yourself that it's quaint?

Yeah. That feeling. . .

We pulled into the parking lot and thought it a bit curious that we are the only people there. Weighing that against the paralysis present in the nether-regions, we walked to the office. That was our first warning. The second came when we asked the room rate – $65. . . Quick looks were exchanged, but the lure of not returning to the car was too great.

"We'll take it."

With the key (note I said key – not keycard) to Room 230 in hand we drove around to park. At this point we received our third warning – a new-ish Acura, parked sideways in the lot, with no license plates and flat tires. Apparently we aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer because we proceeded to ignore that as well and haul our suitcases to the second floor.

Now, mind you, we weren't expecting the Holiday Inn. It was only $65 bucks and all we wanted to do was sleep and hit the road early. . . We were however, hoping for something along the lines of Motel 6, but, alas, it was not to be.

Inserting the key into the doorknob, we entered a stinky room from 1945. And not the kitschy, interesting 1945. The dirty, rundown 1945. The 1945 where you didn't lock your door and no one else could possibly have the key. . .

There was no deadbolt, no latch and chain thingy and no little do-hitchy with the bar. Just a handle and a key. . .with who knows who all having copies. Our next move was to put all the available furniture, including the mini refrigerator in front of the door.

It was looking to be a long night.

Discussing all the scary motel movies we had ever watched, we were getting a bit distressed. There was a gas station close by – the only establishment for miles – and we wondered aloud if they sold pepper spray. Or pocket knives.

We decided to investigate.

Honest to God, it's the only gas station I've ever been in that had a lounge, replete with a couch that may have been borrowed from the hotel we were staying in. It was plaid, dirty and "vintage." And there wasn't a self-defense item in sight. Getting a little panicky, I came up with a plan. Clorox in a cup next to the bed would have to do in case of emergency.

Ali took some Benadryl in order to sleep. I decided to remain a bit more alert and took a pass on the drugs.

At 5:02 AM we awoke to hear someone trying the door. I'll just leave it that we were more than a bit concerned. . .When the handle didn't give, whoever it was started pounding. Ali flew to the window (since we couldn't get near the door because of all the furniture!) and looked out. A rough looking guy yelled, "Who's room is this??" She responded, "Mine!"

"Is my buddy in there??" he shouted.

"Uhh. Noooo."

"Oh. I thought this was my buddy's room." (And that made Ali what?? A prostitute that he wasn't surprised to see at 5 am??)

As adrenaline is given to do, we were a bit too keyed up to sleep any further. We showered and packed in record time. When going downstairs to return the key we had one of those "everything looks better in the daylight" kind of revelations. We noticed fresh paint. And a truck full of landscaping materials ready for installation. The very nice owner offered us coffee and donuts and wished us safe travels.

It was then that I remembered the note left on the little table in Room 230.

"Thank you for choosing Berkshire Motor Lodge. It's our goal to make your stay a pleasant experience. I hope you find your bed and bath clean and fresh. If you have any suggestions or comments please let us know. Your housekeeper, Chuck"

Just one suggestion. . .maybe put off the landscaping and make your first big investment some new security?

I'm just sayin'. . .