Last night, while chatting with my friend Lou on Facebook about losing my job, losing my cool and the potential for losing my faith he asked me how I was feeling about that little card, stuffed into that envelope. Then he asked what I thought God might be thinking about that little card.
"I think She's probably laughing hysterically," was my response.
My Lenten intention was to be forced to get outside myself more. The specific way I wanted to bring this to fruition was to create something every day - to bring something completely new into the world every day for the next 40 days. I thought it would be words, photographs, art or the gift of giving something of myself to someone else.
The first two days of Lent had me making curtains for Scott. I thought and prayed for him as I sewed. I gave thanks for all the ways he has changed and challenged me.
Then the third and fourth days of Lent kicked me in the gut.
Can you really be forced outside yourself and your comfort zone much more effectively than by losing your livelihood and quite a bit of your identity in one fell swoop?
Then it dawned on me – it was so easy to pray for Scott while I sewed his curtains, so easy to give thanks for the ways he has impacted my life. Was it really that much harder to trust the God of creation while She changed and challenged me as well?
So far, I think the thing that is struggling to be born these third and fourth days of Lent is trust. God didn't cause or even allow me to lose my job. God is simply walking with me through a broken world, not leaving me abandoned in my fears. She will not find me a new job but will continue to love me into a fierce confidence born of the truth of perfect love and free will.
The birth of trust is not coming easily. You will notice that it's 4:47 in the morning. But this glimpse of trust has so much more potential than those curtains from just a few days ago.
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