Gentleness:: With Me

I found a friend on Facebook who has been going to the Y every day this week. I haven't seen a lot of her since the whole church mess. She was never unkind to me when everything fell apart, but I didn't want to put her in a position of discomfort so I didn't contact her much. Her status updates on FB all week were so happy and proud of herself that I wrote her a note about how much I admired her motivation.

Since choosing the word "gentle" for myself to focus on for this year the word has been anything but gentle with me. It's funny all the things that a little focus and attention will teach you about yourself.

All of my life I've struggled with motivation over the long-haul. I have no problem getting excited about something new – learning a new skill; starting a big, new project; beginning a new program of exercise, diet or some kind of self-improvement plan. I know that there are LOTS of people who struggle with these same issues. We start something with the best of intentions and then slowly things fall apart.

But the area I've been trying to mine within myself for the last few weeks is why I have such a hard time following through. And this is where gentleness - or lack of it - is kicking my ass. Since January I've discovered that intellectually I know what I need. Physically, my body craves health and I have the ability to recognize the signs and signal that it gives me. But, psychologically there is a deep-seated block about my own self worth.

Since beginning the work with gentleness directed at myself I have discovered some scary things. 

Most days, even though I am thirsty, there is something inside of me that will not allowed me to get up and get a glass of water. I will go most days only drinking a cup of coffee in the morning. Nothing with lunch. Nothing with dinner. Nothing in between. I recognize that I'm thirsty. But I don't do anything about it.

If I have to go to the bathroom I make myself wait. Sometimes for hours. Even though there is absolutely no reason for it.

I bite my fingernails. Until they bleed.

The pattern is repeated in a million little ways. Every day. And, it's reinforced every time I try to make any kind of changes. I can eat healthy for a week. Then it's like there's a boulder rolled in front of the little space in my heart that's filled with motivation and for the next week I'll eat nothing but junk. And then feel even worse about myself.

Here's what I've come to know - that somewhere along the way in my 44 years I learned a lie – that what I need isn't important. What I need doesn't matter. And, I'm having a really hard time reversing the damage.

I know that this whole post is probably too self-revelatory. It's TMI. But it felt important for me to say it out loud.

So, here's what I'm going to do. When I'm thirsty, I'm going to try my damned-est to drink a glass of water. Sounds simple. Trust me - it's not.

I also went out on a limb and asked J. if she would like some company at the Y at 5:30 in the mornings. She very graciously said yes! Maybe we can help motivate each other. Give each other a reason to show up every day and do the right things.

If there's one thing I know for sure about myself it's that I will do anything in the world not to let other people down. 

But maybe, just maybe – I can learn to lift myself up in the process.