Last week I met JD* for the first time. We made small talk. He seemed nice. Quite talkative.
The “let me get to know you questions” gradually got a bit more personal. At first I was vague and then I decided that if he had the courage to keep asking things, I would answer truthfully. I thought that as the answers got more honest he would become uncomfortable enough to stop asking.
Do you go to church? Sort of.
I’m United Methodist. I used to be. I used to be a missionary in the United Methodist Church.
Really! (looking excited to have made a connection) Where did you serve? At an inner-city church in Toledo.
That must have been a great job! What did you do? (deep breath) Adult spiritual development with gay and lesbian Christians.
The color drained from JD’s face. There was a long, awkward pause. I maintained my gaze. He looked away as his face flushed.
How can you do that job as a missionary? Were you telling them they couldn’t be gay anymore? No. I’m gay. I was helping all of us learn that we don’t have to separate who we are at home and in our hearts from who we try to be at church. God already knows us. We can’t really hide these things from God.
Extended silence. I went back to what I was doing. He turned away and went back to his task.
I started to feel bad. We were going to have to spend time together fairly regularly. “What if I made him really, really uncomfortable?” I asked myself. “Well, he shouldn’t ask questions he doesn’t want the answers to. . .”
A few minutes passed and then he said, “Can I tell you something? I’m gay. But I don’t want to be. I go to meetings so God will change me.”
We looked at each other.
“I’m not going to judge you,” I said. “You have to live your life and make your choices.”
He looked relieved.
“I try not to be gay,” he said. “Nobody would love me if I was. My parents. . .my friends. . .I couldn't handle that.”
I was silent – not knowing what to say to that.
“I won’t try to change you either,” he said.
“OK,” I agreed.
Life throws funny curves doesn’t it? I look at JD and I look at myself and it feels a bit like there’s a funhouse mirror settled right down between us.
Mirror Image
n. An image that has its parts arranged with a reversal of right and left
For the next few months I may continue writing about JD and me. If I do, I will title the posts Mirror Image.
*John Doe – obviously if you know who I’m writing about please be confidential.
2 comments:
You could be wrting about me, and how I felt much of the time. Acceptence of self is extremely difficult when you KNOW others won't accept you. Being free to be me was the one thing I thought I found at the ODCC, until I couldn't be me anymore, and feel accepted. Meeting God alone in quiet time is better than trying in unaccepting territory. Good luck to JD..
I feel for JD...I'd say most of us who are gay have gone through the fears and doubts about living our lives authentically as the people we truly are...worrying that our family and friends will disown us or turn away in disgust. But, I hope JD finds people to put a new voice in his head that says "God loves you no matter what and He made you..." so He expects us to live as who we are meant to be...and that means with integrity and honesty and love towards others. I hope JD finds a place like ODCC that shows you there is the possibility of meshing the two: being gay and being a Christian. And that helps him feel the acceptance and love of God. I know I found special people and ODCC on my path and it made all the difference in the world. Be there when he needs you, Tanya. I am sure your paths crossed for a reason! Stacy
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