At yoga yesterday morning practice began with meditation. As we lay on the floor Melinda asked us to scan our bodies and identify any areas of resistance or tension that we could find. We were to then release that tension and resistance and scan our bodies again. A few moments later she asked us to focus on our hearts.
"Is your heart soft and open?" she quietly asked. The question startled me. Exactly when was the last time that my heart was soft and open?
The answer to that question scared me. With the exception of being at home and vulnerable with Ali, it's been a long, long time since my heart was soft and open to just anyone.
What does that mean about the emotional space that I'm in? What does it say about my capacity to love? The poet T. S. Eliot, a devoted Anglican Christian, said it this way: "Love is most nearly itself when the here and now cease to matter."
To me, what he is trying to say is that the true nature of love is not based how other people respond to your offerings, but on the sheer openness and softness of one heart to another.
It was an interesting epiphany for me and I worked to put it into practice with some of what I was told this week. Open Door is changing its name. It appears that the mission and vision for the congregation are gone. Instead, there are pledges and promises of money that must be made in order to be a part of what was intended to be a safe place for exploration and questions. At first, what was most troubling to me is that they are planning to send me yet another letter, banning my membership. . .after they asked me to return and worship just a few months ago. . .
"Love is most nearly itself when the here and now cease to matter."
Life is full of choices. And full of consequences. The response I choose today not only reflects on me in this moment – it has repercussions for the future. The way I choose to handle pain, disappointment and regret say something about my ability to love.
After the anger subsided this weekend, the sadness is beginning to wash away. My prayers reflect my desire to move on – with a soft and open heart.
2 comments:
It was once such a great place to be. It will be missed from the early days. Such an open space with an open door, somewhere i could call home now just an empty space, but it was a good thing....now for many...just a memory. I wish you both the best and hope that you have both found happiness. Once again, it is the beginning of a new chapter. peace be yours and may Gods grace embrace you.
I echo the above. I still grieve and want more.
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