“Once you do something significant with your life, everything else you do just becomes a way to eat.”
That’s one of a couple of thoughts I keep having anyway.
It’s been almost a year since I was asked to resign from the church that I helped birth. A year is a long time. Conversely, it’s also just one thin ring on the tree of my life.
I don’t know where I thought I would be a year out. I still feel sad. Occasionally I still feel angry. Sometimes I just don’t care. Sometimes I’m excited that Open Door is still alive.
The people there are wonderful. We started attending again in January. They were welcoming – with only a couple of notable exceptions. The way I’m feeling isn’t their fault.
The second thought that I keep having is this – “Why am I still there?”
If the purpose of Church (I use the universal church here) is to allow humanity to exercise the gifts, abilities and skills that God has given to each to further God’s work in the world. . . then what the hell am I doing there?
Let me reiterate – the people at Open Door Community Church are wonderful. This has nothing to do with them. It’s all me.
Many years ago, as part of a Servant Leadership class, we wrote mission statements for our lives. This is what I wrote, long before anyone ever dreamed of a church where gay and lesbian people would be welcomed in Findlay. Long before I had any inkling that preaching would be my strongest gift or that teaching would be a close second.
“To reclaim, reconnect and rejuvenate faith and justice issues with those whom my life intersects.”
I’m not – and I can’t – do any of that now. Is it even still my calling?
I made mistakes. Big ones. Ones that hurt people. But does that negate every gift that I have?
The “why am I still there?” question inevitably brings around the thought that “once you do something significant with your life, everything else you do just becomes a way to eat,” which connects to “why am I still there?” and the spiral of frustration is born.
I don’t believe that God has given up on me. I just have to be patient while She and I figure it out I guess.
3 comments:
Although people have their differences, you have brought much good to people, and have shown them that faith can bring them above all circumstances. Personally, teaching by example is more important than being behind the pulpit.
I find it crazy and quite upsetting how some have just thrown Gods gifts to the curb. I find that a calling from God just doesn't seem to quit speaking no matter how hard we try to ignore "the voice". I have learned one very important lesson in the years of Open Door Church and that is what it is like to TRULY forgive. I miss all the messages from God spoken through you. I do not feel that one should be permanantly thrown aside because of one big mistake. Gods gifts are genuine, and if you feel the calling then you know where you should be. I feel that several of the people have made mistakes, some the same ones and some different, you however are just the one that was pushed away at a time when maybe some rules should have been changed to ensure that never happened again. Anger has a funny way of taking people places they should never go. I feel a big mistake was made by pushing someone so far away at a time when YOU needed THEM most. I also feel that the entire church should have had a voice in this situation and the outcome may have been different. It is too bad that only certain voices are heard. I feel miles away from the spirit that you brought into my life. I still thank you for that experience that I had. Maybe one day I can feel connected again also. May Gods love embrace you now....and always.
I would listen to you preach anytime. Anywhere. On a street corner. In a church. In your living room.
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