When the registered letter came from the Leadership Team asking for my immediate resignation from the pastorate I was shocked. (It came three weeks into the four-week leave of absence.) So much had already changed in my life that I wasn’t sure how I felt about being asked to leave the church I loved.
I still don’t know how I feel about that.
I do know that many things have become a hell of a lot clearer in the last seven weeks.
Open Door once owned me – body and soul.
If the church was doing well, I was doing well.
If I thought that something was wrong at the church, I felt anxious and worried all of the time. I would have trouble sleeping, worried about what I could do to make things better.
If someone suddenly stopped attending church I couldn’t stop worrying that I had done something that caused them to leave.
I constantly felt unworthy to be a pastor. I felt like if there was the slightest thing going on in my own life that could be perceived as “sinful” that I should just throw in the towel.
If I preached a good sermon I felt proud. Later I would feel ashamed of myself for feeling good.
If I preached a bad sermon I felt like I hadn’t tried hard enough and that there would be retribution from God for my lack of preparation or skill.
If church attendance rose or fell and I couldn’t explain why, I felt like a poor leader.
In short, my entire life and self worth hinged on the vitality of Open Door Community Church. I see now how crazy and unhealthy that was.
I haven’t been to church in seven weeks. It’s probably been over 12 years since I’ve missed that many weeks of church in a row. I don’t really think I’m ready to go back yet.
It’s too soon to risk letting anything own me – body or soul.
1 comment:
clicked over to your blog from a ravelry post.
omg! did this just happen to you last month (the letter from the "leadership team" at church? how are you? that's just devastating! i hope that you have plenty of family and friends surrounding you during this time.
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