First National Bank of Gumballs

A kid came into the print shop where I work yesterday afternoon. It was about 1:00 in the afternoon. He immediately got on my nerves. He crashed his bike right outside the front door and left it in the middle of the sidewalk. He opened the front door and just stood there while the dinger went off repeatedly. He yelled, “Hey lady!” from the doorway and when I went up there to see what the emergency was I noticed he was eyeballing the gumball machine.

“Can I have some free gumballs??”

I looked him over as he stood there rubbing his sweaty hands all over the glass of the front door – with the dinger still ringing incessantly – and answered with one word.

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

I wasn’t about to get into an argument with him so I asked how old he was.

“Ten.”

“Why aren’t you in school?”

“I’m sick.”

“You look fine to me.”

“Can I have some free gumballs?”

“Nope. They cost a quarter.”

“OK. I’ll go get some money!”

He hopped on his bike and pedaled furiously away. In about three minutes he was back. With his posse.

Great. A pack of ten year olds wanting free candy!

They came in the front door digging through their pockets; grubbing through all the junk that 10 year old boys collect in a day. All together they came up with four nickels. Two of the boys started jamming the nickels furiously into the handle, trying to crank out a gumball.

“Hey, this is a rip!”

“Wait, it’s supposed to be a quarter!”

“Which one is a quarter?”

“Isn’t this a dime?”

“Maybe it’s a nickel. . .”

“Which president is supposed to be on there??”

Some infighting ensued. Eventually a spokesboy emerged. The original kid. He screamed out, “Hey lady!”

“You bellowed?” I answered.

“Will you give me four quarters for this nickel?”

Looking at him, images of my retirement years pulsed behind my eyes. His is the generation that will inherit the financial pitfalls of Medicare and Social Security. MY Social Security.

I saw him as Secretary of the Treasury. His posse was running the local bank.

I vowed at that moment to go home and put my lifesavings under the mattress.