6:36 ~ December 31, 2010

{ali and her stepdad, who we all call Mopo. he's trying to look all sensitive and nurturing, but don't be fooled! we had a fun dinner over there tonight.}

Intentions for 2011

I'm not really much for New Year's Resolutions but I do appreciate clarifying my intentions. Here's my list for the new year.

What's on your list?

15 Intentions For 2011

1. I will not lollygag and waste my days.

2. I will be my word.

3. I will have positive ambitions and attitudes.

4. I will own that I assign my own meaning to events and cimcumstances.

5. I will not feel sorry for myself.

6. I will tie creativity with survival.

7. I will be the change I want to see.

8. I will stake my reputation on my better self.

9. I will be comfortable with the consequences of being who I am.

10. I will share.

11. I will manage my stress, health and clarity.

12. I will study my mistakes.

13. I will retry things I don't like every once in a while.

14. I will make time to enjoy things.

15. I will laugh. Every day.

6:36 ~ December 30, 2010

{this shot is purely luck. oly's leg is swollen. the vet raised the specter of losing it if we're not careful with him. those are his toes in the front of the picture. then there's a plastic bag with a warm compress. he's nearly asleep in the crook of my arm. i set the camera on my outstretched leg, without any aim and pushed the button. i heart this shot. . .}

The Less of Winter

fallow 1 |ˈfalō|

adjective

(of farmland) plowed and harrowed but left unsown for a period in order to restore its fertility as part of a crop rotation or to avoid surplus production : incentives for farmers to let the land lie fallow in order to reduce grain surpluses.

This morning I opened my back door and with Oliver on the leash beside me, I took a deep breath of the scent of winter. We stood there for a moment in the cold and looked through the thin, bare branches of our walnut tree and saw the stars winking slowly at the two of us. The moon was a fingernail of light. In that single moment I did not wish to be anywhere but right there.

That moment felt sacred. And I do not often feel that holiness in winter.

Winter is a season of less. There is less daylight. Less heat from the sun to warm my bones and chase the chill. There are fewer fruits and vegetables in the garden and at the market. Only meager dried up leaves on the trees.

Our little corner of Earth's bounty lies fallow. Perhaps I should follow her cue instead of mourning the loss of more.

So this morning Oliver and I took a moment to appreciate less. The silhouette of bare branches against a gray sky. The glitter of dew drops on blades of yellowing grass just barely peeking though the covering of snow. The pink and orange sunsets sandwiched between the shadowy horizon and threatening clouds. The lyrical rattle of dried seed pods clinging to a tree.

When I take a moment to notice the magic in the world all around me I feel just a little less empty. Filled just a little bit more.

Winter – life in the simplest garb – less in the best sense of the word.

6:36 ~ December 29, 2010

{these toes are in need of some new polish! but it's winter. . . so who really cares??}

What I Read :: Part 2

A Reliable Wife - by Robert Goolrick

3.5 Stars

Set in the late 1800's, a businessman seeks a "reliable" wife. Not what she seems to be. Suspenseful but kind of slow.

The Girl Who Played with Fire - by Stieg Larsson

5 Stars

The trilogy of the year. Didn't everyone read these?? Sigh. Loved them!

Presumed Innocent - by Scott Turow

Supposed to be a "classic." I swear I tried, but I just couldn't get into it. Never finished.


The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest - by Stieg Larsson

4.5 Stars

Second installment of the "The" Trilogy. I didn't like it quite as much as the first one, but it's still a heart pounding, page turner!

Little Girls in Church - by Kathleen Norris

5 Stars

A book of poetry by Kathleen Norris, one of my all time favorite spiritual writers. I did not know she wrote poetry so I was thrilled to find this in our library!


Plan B - by Jonathan Tropper

5 Stars

Second Tropper book this year. He's funny and spot-on in writing about dysfunctional families. Four college friends launch a "reunion" to secretly kidnap a drug addicted friend. Loved this one.



New and Selected Poems Volume 1 - by Mary Oliver

5 Stars

If you don't know the poet Mary Oliver, run {don't walk!} She's amazing!

Creating Poetry - by John Drury

3 Stars

Just OK. Nothing too exciting here. Some writing exercises were helpful.

Our Lady of the Forest - David Guterson

2 Stars

I loved some of his other writings but this one seemed extremely slow. The prose was beautiful but the plot was thin.



In The Shadow of Gotham - by Stefanie Pintoff
4 Stars

Mystery. Edgar Award Winner. Interesting and kept my attention.

What the Dead Know - by Laura Lippman
3.5 Stars
After fleeing a car accident, a middle-aged woman with no ID is questioned by both the police and hospital administration. Refusing to reveal her identity (and proof of health insurance), she instead hints that she is the younger of two sisters, Heather and Sunny Bethany, who disappeared the day before Easter in 1975.

Another Thing to Fall - by Laura Lippman

2 Stars

One Laura Lippman book was enough for me. I didn't finish this one.



Starvation Lake - by Bryan Gruley

4.5 Stars

Gus is a small town journalist back from the big city. His hockey coach died in a skimming (riding snowmobiles over not quite frozen lake) accident ten years before on one lake and his snowmobile turns up on a different lake with a bullet hole in the hood. Is it the lake tunnels? Was coach's death not an accident? Gus sets out to find out and uncovers far more in a little town where everyone knows something and few people are saying anything.


The Hanging Tree - by Bryan Gruley

4.5 Stars

Gus is back where he started but, worse, working on a small-town newspaper with a kid boss who sneers at traditional journalism. The action is triggered by a hanging—an apparent suicide by a woman who left Starvation 20 years earlier, was back in town for six months, and then was found hanging from a tree limb.

How To Talk To A Widower - by Jonathan Tropper

4.5 Stars

More Tropper. Just as good {and funny!} as all the rest!


The Book of Joe - by Jonathan Tropper
5 Stars

After vilifying his hometown and its residents in his thinly veiled first novel, Joe Goffman got rich. The book was a hit, as was the movie that followed, but his new Mercedes and swank New York digs can't save him from having to go home again. After his father suffers a stroke, Joe returns to Bush Falls, Connecticut--and to the adolescence he's never really outgrown. With his father comatose, his childhood best friend dying of AIDS, the great love of his life intent on ignoring him, and the entire town furious at him for slandering them in his novel, Joe's got plenty to deal with.



Faithful Place - Tana French

4 Stars

French's emotionally searing third novel of the Dublin murder squad (after The Likeness) shows the Irish author getting better with each book. In 1985, 19-yearold Frank Mackey and his girlfriend, Rosie Daly, made secret plans to elope to England and start a new life together far away from their families, particularly the hard-drinking Mackeys. But when Rosie doesn't meet Frank the night they're meant to leave and he finds a note, Frank assumes she's left him behind. For 22 years, Frank, who becomes an undercover cop, stays away from Faithful Place, his childhood Dublin neighborhood. When his younger sister, Jackie, calls to tell him that someone found Rosie's suitcase hidden in an abandoned house, Frank reluctantly returns. Now everything he thought he knew is turned upside down: did Rosie really leave that night, or did someone stop her before she could?

6:36 ~ December 28, 2010

{Ali got me a Keurig single cup coffee maker for Christmas. It's perfect.

One cup a night. Divine.}

What I Read :: Part 1

Most likely, no one but me cares what I read in 2010. I know there are a few other readers who peruse these pages from time to time. I like knowing what others read and finding a hidden gem every now and then, so here you have it. In order. All 54 of them.


The Other Boleyn Girl - by Philippa Gregory

5 Stars
Historical fiction based on the court of King Henry VIII and his wives, with the story told from the perspective of Anne Boleyn (his wife) and her sister Mary (his mistress). A huge novel and very entertaining.

The Boleyn Inheritance - by Philippa Gregory

4 Stars
This one brings to life more of the women who surrounded Henry VIII. I didn't enjoy it quite as much as The Other Boleyn Girl but was still an excellent read.

This Is Where I Leave You - Jonathan Tropper

4.5 Stars
Laugh out loud read! Judd Foxman's life imploded, his wife slept with his boss, he rents a basement apartment in a "crappy house" when he's called to sit Shiva for his dead father, who happened to be an atheist. It mines the topic of dysfunctional families, loss and hope with great
humor and recognition.

Lord Teach Us: The Lord's Prayer & the Christian Life - by William H. Willamon

3 Stars
Used this as a basis for Bible study on prayer.

Bloodroot - by Amy Green

4.5 Stars
Appalachian fiction based in east Tennessee. The story of Myra, born into a slightly troubled, slightly magical family. A story of survival and love. A little hard to keep track of the characters at first. I made a cheat sheet and it helped. After the first third of the book, you forget the difficulties.

The Master Butcher's Singing Club - by Louise Erdrich

5 Stars
Great characters, great story. This book made me to the library and check out three more of her books!

Love Medicine - by Louise Erdrich

2 Stars

Couldn't get into it. Didn't finish.


The Shack - by William P. Young

3.5 Stars
Wanted to see what all the fuss was a about. Got a love/hate thing with this book. All the reasons I'm allergic to LMN Movies of the Week.

How to Cook Everything Vegetarian - by Mark Bittman

5 Stars
He doesn't just give you recipes. He teaches you how to create food without following "rules."


Food Rules: An Eater's Manual - by Michael Pollan

5 Stars
Short, sweet, to the point. Immensely helpful and thought provoking.

Wolf Hall - by Hilary Mantel

2 Stars

Yet another book about King Henry VIII - this time told from the perspective of Thomas Cromwell. I tried to listen to it on my morning walks but it was so dense and the characters were so poorly deliniated I couldn't finish it. Won the Booker Prize but I found it incredibly difficult to follow.

The Space Between Us - by Umrigar Thrity

4 Stars

A beautiful book about class and gender; tragedy and hope, set in Bombay, India.

Ordinary Thunderstorms - by William Boyd

4 Stars

A mystery/thriller set in London. Illustrates how a life can unravel in the blink of an eye.


The Lock Artist - by Steve Hamilton

4.5 Stars

A smart, creative thriller told from the perspective of a safecracker, who can't speak.

Lowboy - by John Wray

2 Stars

Life from the perspective of a teenaged schizophrenic. Didn't think much of this one.


Caught - by Harlan Coben

4 Stars

Murder, mayhem, mystery. Lots of plot twists. Mindless entertainment at it's best!

Grace Notes: Daily Readings with a Fellow Pilgrim - by Philip Yancey

3 Stars

Not great. Not bad. Never lived up to the promise of becoming a daily read however.



The Imperfectionists - by Tom Rachman

5 Stars

Read this book! LOVED IT!

Sinning Like a Christian: A New Look at the Seven Deadly Sins - by William H. Willamon

Made for good discussion at Bible study!



The Irresistible Henry House - by Lisa Grunwald

5 Stars

About Henry, a "practice baby" for a home ec program in the 1950's. Great Read!



Tomato Girl - by Jayne Pupek

5 Stars

Set in Virginia, told from the perspective of an 11 year old girl. The story of a troubled childhood, sprinkled with hope.

6:36 ~ December 27, 2010

An idea to force me to take at least one picture every day – every evening at 6:36 I am going to try to take just one snapshot of whatever is going on. I don't take as many photos as I would like because I feel like each one needs to be "perfect." {whatever that means.} Consequently, I have lots of photos that are nice, but not many of just day to day activities and single moments in time. I hope there will be no pressure with the 6:36 Project. Just a single snapshot. Of life.

{Oliver getting a new, clean shirt to cover his incision and stitches}

Travel

I only get to travel on rare occasion, although I enjoy it very much. {no extra spendy-spendy} I am also mostly a hermit by nature. I don’t get out much, mostly by choice. But since I was very, very young I have traveled to many places.

I read.

Places of the heart and places of the wild. Places I would never want to visit, and places I yearn to explore. Places that exist and places that I wish did not.

I have traveled this world, and several others, fallen down more than one rabbit hole, lived more lives than I can count.

While other kids played baseball and war and all the other games of childhood, most often I could be found on the porch or on the couch, with a book or three or four. I read cereal boxes and milk jugs. I read in the backseat of cars and sitting in trees that I climbed. I would have taken my book to the dinner table had my parents allowed.

I still read but I am more discerning about the places I go now. If I begin a journey and I am not enjoying myself, I go back home and choose another.

Words have always been my favorite mode of travel.

Next year, I think there will be more words flowing through my mind, through my fingers, through my veins.

And I can't wait to see where they take me.

Vignette :: My Christmas Story

As noted in the previous post, I'm sick of cleaning up poop {mostly dog}, blood {all dog}, vomit {all human} and pee {mostly dog}. I had a semi-bad attitude all day and gave Ali a hard time. I told her how I really felt.

Me:: I'm sick to death of piss, shit and blood. I'm DONE.

Ali:: But you're supposed to care for your family!

Me:: I do care. But I want to go back to work now. . .

Ali:: What kind of attitude is that??

Me:: I just made your dinner didn't I?? You're having ramen noodles. I'm having a box of wine! Now leave me alone for five minutes will ya'?

Ali:: Nice. {heading into the bathroom}

five minutes later

Ali:: {coming out of the bathroom, trying not to grin} Honey. . .

Me:: What?

Ali:: My bottom really hurts. I think it needs some ointment. . . {she can't help but laugh now}

Me:: How many ways can I possibly say HELL NO????

And will someone out there please bring me another box of wine. . .pretty please. . .

It Could Have Been Better

"I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues."

~ Duke Ellington

So, Christmas could have been better. It also could have been worse. Much worse. So at least I'm working at keeping it in perspective.

For the last five days I've been taking care of people. And dogs. And I'm feeling pouty about it. And put out. And whiny. And all of those things that you feel when life isn't fair and you're tired of cleaning up vomit. And blood. And you're sick of changing bandages. And making another bowl of jello makes you want to scream.

I haven't eaten anything but junk for the last five days because I'm not going to cook just for me and Ali can't eat. So I pick at Christmas cookies. And eat chicken broth because that's what I'm "cooking" for her.

And then I pout some more.

And then I get all down on myself for being so selfish and feel guilty for acknowledging that these are all the things I really feel. And try to pretend that I don't.

Here's the deal – Ali got the stomach flu on Wednesday night. It wasn't pretty. She got a little better. Until Saturday night. Then she got worse. Much, much worse. {visualize her sitting in the bathtub with the shower running, crying, while I laundered soiled clothing} In the middle of all that, Oliver cut an artery in his leg. He had emergency surgery on Christmas Eve. It cost $360. He popped his stitches on Christmas Day. I spent 24 hours sitting with him, "MacGyvering" a way to keep him from licking and reopening his artery. I finally devised a contraption of an ace bandage and a thermal long-sleeved shirt that he wears with his leg through the arm hole.

And this is why I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and sing a little bit of the blues. I'm not a bad, selfish person for feeling what I feel. I just can't give in to the temptation to become the person those feelings would have me become.

And there's really no danger of that.

Now. . . bandages, broth and laundry are calling my name. . .

{edited to add:: in my self-pity i neglected to remember there was also extreme kindness yesterday. one of my oldest friends took pity on my plight and showed up at the door yesterday with cardboard and directions on how to make your own Elizabethan collar for a dog. an angel of mercy i tell ya! thanks digg!}

From Our Zoo To Yours. . .

And from Ali and me – Wishes for a thoughtful, warm and meaningful holiday! {ignore Izzy. she's always that sarcastic!}

A Gift

Last night I saw a man who stands at least 6'4" weep. He wore the uniform of a security guard, but he clothes himself in the garments of a father who's doing the best he can in a difficult time.

He's ex-military. He was unemployed this year until landing a gig with the security firm where I clean. A few weeks ago his wife's appendix burst and she was hospitalized for a full three weeks. She just went home a few days ago but will have to return to the hospital for surgery after Christmas.

They have a 13 year old son.

Things have not always been this tough but, for now, it is what it is. He has no money to buy his son a Christmas present.

He went to the Salvation Army and asked for help – simply so his son will not awaken on Christmas morning to an empty stocking. They asked what his son would like and the boy had only two requests, either a Super Mario Brothers video game or a remote control car. A few days went by and the Salvation Army called. He could come pick up his gift.

When he got home to wrap his single present he discovered it was a toy perfect for a little boy. A boy about the age of five.

Is a completely age inappropriate toy unwrapped on Christmas morning worse than no toy at all? The father was thankful for the Salvation Army's generosity but hesitant to hurt his son even more.

He confessed his confusion while we cleaned.

He determined that if he could not return the toy to the Meijer's where it was purchased and trade it for something else he would place it in the Toys For Tots bin inside the warehouse facility where we worked so that another child would have something under their tree.

And so, when we drove up to the guard shack last night at 9:30 and dropped off a Super Mario Brothers video game in a plastic bag with a quiet wish for a Merry Christmas, we saw a 6'4" man, dressed as a security guard, weep.

And, that's what keeps me going this holiday week.

Quickly

It seems like everything is on fast-forward this week. Is it just me??

Out of the blue, last Friday, I got a call at work – closing on the big, brown house in the 'hood on Monday! After three and a half years. . .it's done! {that's a double edge sword. i have many, many happy and hilarious memories there}

I have a cold – stuffy nose and general malaise. But I have a happy heart.

I have bread to bake, packages to adorn, lists to be inspected and not enough time for everything. So, a few things have to go. But it's all good.

I got to say some things that have been on my heart for awhile to someone who is important to me. They were all good things and it made my heart light again.

That's all for now. I'm hanging on to the meaning that comes with this week. Hope you are too.

One Reason To Not Get A Dog

I offer for your consideration one possible reason not to get a dog. . . just in case you're thinking of stuffing a puppy into someone's Christmas stocking this year. It's quite possible that the adorable little girl puppy that you have fallen in love with and taken into your domicile – the one you allow to give you cute puppy kisses on the face and lick the bowl after you've eaten something yummy – that aforementioned cute little puppy will have a nasty habit. She might secretly snack on things in your backyard. Things that cute little puppies should not snack on – namely poopsicles. {and yes, i mean poop}

And if she might snack on poopsicles it's quite possible that she will then have a tummy ache. This tummy ache could lead to some intestinal distress which could lead to a little episode of vomiting. This vomiting has the potential to be of the projectile variety and there's a good chance that it could end up all over the arm of your only beige chair, all down the wall, splattering on the curtains and becoming a big, liquidy puddle on your hardwood floor.

And cleaning up liquid vomit-shit is quite possibly the most disgusting thing you will ever do.

And you will want to bathe in Lysol. And gargle with Listerine every time she comes near your face with her tongue hanging out, breathing her foul breath on you.

And you will wonder why e-coli only kills humans and not dogs.

Not that I know anything about such things on a personal level you understand. Just conjecture about why you might not want to get a cute little puppy this Christmas. . .

Does anyone want Delilah? {affectionately renamed "Poop Breath" in these parts. . .}

Book Review :: American Subversive

I read. A lot. About 50 books a year. {the trade off? i almost never watch tv so I am culturally illiterate on that front.} Only occasionally do I want to shout from the rooftops, "Go read this book!" I finished one of those yesterday.

What This Book Isn't:

• nice

• comforting

• mindless

What This Book Is:

• thoughtful

• provoking

• culturally relevant

• aching

• sympathetic

It's about domestic terrorism, bombings and the radical underground. If you've ever felt resentment at the direction American is headed you will find that reflected in these pages. The books presents both sides of the extreme elements in our society yet never falls into the trap of telling the reader which one is "right."

This ultimately is a story about people not politics but the ache and the apathy of America is palpable and resonates at the heart of this novel.

Go. Read. This. Book!

Kumquat Goddess

I always thought marmalade came from a jar, bought from a store and that there was something magical and out of the reach of average home cooks. {baloney!}

Imagine my surprise when I realized there is absolutely nothing to it! All you need is fruit, water, sugar and a little patience! Knowing we were not going to eat the kumquats we bought last weekend I tried a little experiment – with delicious success! {think what an amazing Christmas present a jar of kumquat marmalade would be. . .you would be heralded as a god/goddess of the kitchen and no one would know you spent 15 minutes performing such magic!}

Instructions so simple even a child could follow them:

1. Slice up your kumquats, removing as many seeds as possible. Put them in a bowl.

2. Pour in 4 cups of water. Let sit for 24 hours.

3. Pour in a pan and boil until the kumquats are tender - about 20 minutes.

4. Pour back into your bowl and let it sit for another 24 hours.

5. Pour back into your pan and add 1 1/2 cups of sugar. Boil for about 45 minutes, until it begins to change color and get thick.

6. Pour into a smaller bowl or jar. Eat on toast. {homemade whole wheat bread toast is divine. i have the world's easiest recipe - no kneading! ask me if you want it and i will share!}

A pint container of kumquats at Meijers – $2.49

A jar of homemade kumquat marmalade, being regarded as a god/goddess of your kitchen, winning friends and influencing people this Christmas – priceless!

* it's now confession time - I boiled mine a bit too long and it's too "sturdy" to spread easily. Learn from my mistake and don't let yours get quite as dark as mine and you will be fine! =)

On the Number 800, Marmalade, Drugs and Babies {Not Necessarily In That Order}

Today marks 800 posts on this little corner of the internet. I accidentally noticed it yesterday and now it feels like some kind of little milestone. What started on a whim, over four years ago has gathered 800 mostly useless discourses from me and a staggering 24,123 visits and 35,799 page views from you.

At first, I had planned to write about kumquat marmalade today. {i made a batch and even took pictures.} And then I realized that I should at least acknowledge 800 days of usual and customary foolishness.

And then we were hit with our first round of disappointment in the baby-making quest. Life was quickly brought back into focus. What was hazy and silly and inconsequential was suddenly replaced by what was razor-sharp and clear – that nothing is predictable and not much in life is ever easy. {and in truth, i wouldn't want it to be}

It's not a permanent set-back. Just at least another month of waiting. There is a possibility that we will be ordering drugs from England at the suggestion of our doctor. {what costs $75 a dose in the United States costs $15 a dose in England. . .and we could need 50 doses. . .don't get me started on healthcare in this country. . .}

As I contemplated marmalade, writing, babies, drugs and blogs I came to understand and remember why I do this almost every day. Because life is about all of this. The little moments of silliness. The seconds of anger and disappointment. The hours of pleasure. The times of boredom and restlessness. The stretches of normalcy and the flashes of brilliance that we all encounter.

I just happen to want to remember mine. So, I write.

And, for some unknown reason, you read.

A friend of mine on Facebook wrote something that I read the other day and has stuck with me ever since. He said, "I'm blessed beyond belief in this life. If I die today I want all my family and friends to know I enjoyed every second of it." I don't know that I could say I've enjoyed every second of my life, but it's pretty damn close. {at least more than half anyway. . .}

I can say that I've enjoyed writing every one of the 800 pieces of foolishness that I've posted here. And from the bottom of my heart, I say thank you for reading.

Here's to at least 8 more.

Snow-Capped

This little fella sits perched on an old, rotting stump in my garden.

He should be nested and warm in the garage by now, but I left him guarding the yard instead.

All day yesterday, I looked out the window and he made me smile.

I am so easily amused.

Decoration

It’s that time of year, the holiday decorations are going up,

everywhere I look there are twinkling lights and sparkles and,

with just-perfect timing, snow.

Yesterday nature decorated the outside.

We've already taken care of the inside.

Dancing snowflakes flitted, slowly drifting down


in grays and blues

that shifted into white

on the sleeping beds of summer.

Jack Frost painted the windows while we slept.

Soon, I will be dreaming of green, because I will miss it.

Soon, I will long for color in my little corner of the world.

Soon, I will grow tired of the cold and wish to feel the sun on my face.

But before that I will enjoy the sparkling lights


and the scent of pine


as I fill the house with pretty things

and love and gratitude

and giving.

But this morning

there is this outside my living room window,


reminding me to stop every so often
and

breathe in the white stillness.

Kumquats on a Winter Morning

{kumquats in a coffee cup}

:: feeling adventurous in the produce section of Meijers yesterday, we bought kumquats

:: eating one is like encountering the sweetness of sour

:: they take me to sunny skies and warm breezes, especially on snowy Sunday mornings

:: you eat them whole, discreetly spitting out the seeds

:: they are the antithesis of oranges - the peel is sweet and delectable while the flesh and juice make your mouth curl

:: kumquats are an "either/or" fruit. Either the intense flavor either makes you want another one (that's me) or it makes you wish you'd never tasted the first one (that's Ali!)

My Year

It's been another year on Facebook and I still really enjoy it. I don't update as often as I used to but I still love the feeling of connectedness that comes with knowing what people that I care about are up to. I like to read statuses of people that I rarely see and live far away and get just a tiny glimpse into a single moment of their lives. {and if you're reading this and on facebook, and never update your status, shame on you. . .it's half the fun of it for the rest of us!}

I've reconnected with people from elementary school, one of whom now works on Broadway and is gay. Oh, if only we had known then and could have helped each other through the hard times. But, as we both agree – It Gets Better.

So here's my annual miscellaneous collage of status updates. It's a random generator kind of thing but I like what it chose and created for me. {and if you're reading this and NOT on facebook, go get an account. it's free. it's fun. and i like knowing what you're up to!}

Happy Weekend! {and if you're in Ohio, go get milk and be like the rest of the herd. it's supposed to snow you know!}

*edited to add: Just went and looked at last year's status collage {it's here}. still haven't signed off on that big, brown house in the 'hood. . .

Out of the Bag

So, with the last post, the cat is truly out of the bag so to speak. I've struggled with what to say, what not to say and how to say anything at all. I don't want to turn this space into baby-talk central. I also don't want to jinx anything. On the other hand, it's my space and I want to remember the journey, however it turns out. So, I guess you'll just have to bear with me!

But, by far, the best part so far has been reading your comments!

NR said...
You don't really give me a Mark Ruffalo vibe, but he is a hottie. I'm not surprised you found a musician. :-)
Good Luck to both of you!!!

random thoughts said...
hmm... for less than half the price per vial, I know a couple of backwoods redneck boys with most of their teeth that might help you out...although, they do believe in the DELIVERENCE method...LOL Good luck... this choice looks like a winner!

Ami said...
I can't wait to send you something tie dyed for the baby.

:-D

Frank Wilson said...
When is all this going to happen?

To answer a few questions –

The swimmers are winging their way from California to Ohio as I write. This whole adventure will begin next week. We're going to doctor's appointments, taking pills and getting shots that should maximize the chances of conception. It also maximizes the chances of more than one baby, but we don't want to talk about that right now.

So far my favorite comment (with random thoughts up there coming in a close second!) is from my Aunt Nancy.

Nancy said...
And you just add him to the cart like you're on Amazon????????
Is shipping added at the end when you give your credit card number???
This is too wierd even for a child of the 60s-
Love you anyway

Yes, you just add him to the cart! Shipping is outrageous. . .$170. . .but you have to factor in the cost of dry ice and a one way ticket to Ohio I guess. . . You can't just order this stuff willy-nilly off the internet though. You have to have a doctor's order and it has to be shipped to his office for "deliverance!"

So far we only have enough money saved up to do this once so everybody cross their fingers! Thanks for the love and the comments!

Other Random Facts We've Learned Along the Way:

• It takes an average of 10 tries for a healthy, "normal" couple to conceive.

• It takes an average of 6 tries for those receiving fertility treatments.

• The "normal" odds of having a multiple birth are 2 in every 100 births.

• Taking Clomid raises the odds to 1 in 5.

Like I said, we don't want to talk about that right now. . .

Donor 11306

Nothing like sitting on the couch, drinking coffee, picking out some sperm. Does he look like me??

One Minute

Do you have only one minute?
Hem it with quietness.
Do not spend it thinking how little time you have.

You can give much in one minute.

~ Celtic Daily Prayer (p. 571)

Early December

It's been chilly and bleak in Ohio. The color grey dominates the days now. The pumpkins that are still staring at those passing on the street are rotting grotesquely. The mums that once announced the genesis of fall are shriveled and thin. At the slightest provocation they crumble.

A wise person might look at the landscape and pronounce everything dead.

They would be wrong.

Everything's dead but the wind, which is now in its element. It sends the few remaining leaves scuttling. It animates the reluctant trees to bend their branches into the arthritic fingers of winter. It whistles through the alleys and around the corners of our house. It reddens our cheeks and pinches the tops of our ears.

No, everything is not dead. Winter is just waking up and beginning to hum it's favorite tune.

Christmas Spirit

I took my friend Christmas shopping yesterday. He had his list. I had his funds. We got ourselves to the mall in a timely fashion and hit the sales. Hard. He only asked for two things for himself. Some lunch {it was after 11!} and a cupcake. There was a kiosk of homemade cupcakes run by an older lady who helped him pick a white cupcake with cream filling. You can see by the smile, and the cupcake in his hand, that we had quite a successful outing!

We only had one "incident." We arrived at the mall at 9:50. The stores open at 10:00. My friend has difficulty walking and getting from the car to the doors was a slow, painful process for him. I left him at the mall doors and went to the Customer Service kiosk to get a wheelchair only to be told by the "customer service" ladies that they would not let me take a wheelchair because "we have to open our cash registers and there are other things we have to do first." I politely asked if there was a rental fee for the chair. She heaved a huge sigh and said no. A little less politely I asked if there was no rental fee for the chair why she needed to open her cash register before moving the velvet rope and allowing me to use something that is free.

"Because this is the way I choose to do things and I'm in charge." {bad. answer.}

Even less politely {because you don't mess with my peeps and by now I was angry} I asked her if she had ever heard of the Americans With Disabilities Act and reminded her that the mall was a public facility and that I had a 77 year old man with developmental disabilities standing in the doorway waiting on a FREE wheelchair.

She moved the velvet rope. And then I asked for the name of her supervisor.

All in all, it was a good day. His sense of humor restored my spirit. The ladies at the jewelry store who helped him pick a teddy bear to give to his great-niece reminded me that the kindness in the world still wins over the ugliness.

Being someone who hates shopping, tries to avoid the mall at all cost and struggles with the commercialism of Christmas, I have to admit that I left his house after dropping him off humming carols under my breath.

Why I Am A Christian {Sort Of}

{if you have read here for very long you may wonder what a middle-aged lesbian, who questions just about everything and takes nothing at face value is doing calling herself a Christian. so do i, most days}

I have three friends who are experiencing gut-wrenching, life altering, terrifying things right now. The first has been dealing with the cancer of someone he loves and the wake of years of testing and waiting and treatments and wonderings what every little cough and sneeze might mean. The second is having some big and scary medical tests and is forced into the endless rounds of waiting that come with the territory. The third has had a big, unnerving diagnosis and now everything in her life seems turned upside down.

Two of the three of my friends have spent many, many years of their lives like Jacob - wrestling with God and waiting for God to be revealed. These two have grappled with the big questions that life brings and they have struggled with God until they trembled with exhaustion. The result of this work has been that they have come to at more peace with themselves, and with God, than they ever thought possible.

My third friend struggles. She has no center. She's spent her life – some for reasons of her own making and choice, some not – skimming the surface and never going deep into anything. Her answers to life's questions have been found in bottles and parties and people who tell her not to think. And now that she's forced into reflection, she has nowhere to go.

And, perhaps for these three people's witness alone, this is why I continue to be a spiritual seeker. The work that I do now will prepare me for the difficult days that will always come.

And, although many, many days I don't want to be. . . I am a Christian. For reasons, mostly beyond me, I have thrown my lot in with those who, for the most part, are legalistic, judgmental, hypocritical, old-fashioned, and very often cruel. {and that's just my list for starters} I've been asked how I can possibly be so involved in an institution that has made homosexuality their banner for contempt and hatred. And I've wondered that myself. Many times.

And even though I have made every attempt to walk away, I continue to find my spiritual center at the cross of Christ.

Intellectually, I want to be a Buddhist. I find myself drawn to Buddhism on a very deep and personal level. But inevitably, I humbly end up practicing the tenets of that faith through the lens of Jesus. Perhaps it's all just nature and nurture in action. Christianity is all I've ever known. {remember, I am a Southern Baptist preacher's kid.} And this makes me wonder if I am nothing more than the woman who returns to her abuser over and over again because she just doesn't know where else to go. I'm willing to admit that is a possibility.

I like to think that perhaps I am a dreamer that wonders whether the church can ever become what God desires it to be and I'm just trying to find my place in that dream. That's possible too.

The last thing christianity needs is another apologist to defend the faith against those who would seek to discredit it. Hell, at least half the time I'm the one doing the discrediting. And if you ask most of the rest of christianity I have absolutely no business attaching myself to their coat tails and ruining their otherwise unsullied reputations. They are probably right too.

But as I watch my three friends and learn from their trials I am coming to understand that there is no real faith – Christian, Buddhist or otherwise – that leads to a closed set of easy answers. Faith is not meant to intensify boundaries. It's an invitation to explore questions, to wait with hope and to transcend fear – together.

First Snow

{yesterday morning; the skiff* of snow over my windshield}

*As I typed skiff I remembered that this is a word I grew up using for snow, but when I looked it up to be sure it had no such meaning. As I am a word nerd, I did further research and found this {here}:

The "skiff" you've heard your parents use, however, is a completely different word. "Skiff" meaning "a light gust of wind, a slight shower of rain, or a light dusting of snow" comes from the verb "to skiff," a word heard primarily in Scotland meaning "to touch lightly" or "to glide upon." The exact derivation of "skiff" in this sense is unclear, but it may well be related to "scuff" meaning "to brush against." In any case, "skiff" in this sense first appeared in English around 1819, though its use is probably much older in Scotland.

I'm quite sure no one but me cares. . .but there it is for what it's worth!