Succotash

{Succotash}

Why, yes. . . I'm a child of the South. Why do you ask??

The More I Learn, The Less I Know

Coming home from Chicago last weekend, Scott and I talked for almost eight hours straight. We talked about life and change and patterns and church and God and more life. We talked so intensely that instead of getting off the turnpike at Toledo we finally noticed the time when we saw a sign for Cedar Point. . .way more than an hour too far down the road. . .We laughed and accused each other of not paying attention, but the truth is we were paying attention to what was important in the moment.

So much of what he said helped me. And it makes me wonder if anything I said helped him.

Mostly because I'm coming to realize that the more I learn, the less I know.

As I get older all the black and white experiences of my life are now faded to soft shades of grey. All the "capital T" truths have lost their hard edges and mellowed into understated props on the stage of life. I feel privileged to understand that there is so much in life that I don't know, can't know, will never know. Mostly because I can't see life with another's eyes and I can't feel experiences with anyone else's heart.

I am totally okay with the not knowing.

Perhaps the process of maturity allows us to let go of certainty. And then I begin to wonder what happens when we get really, really old. At the end of life do we come to understand that we really know nothing at all? And is that a relief?

I feel like it would be. And I feel like that is where I want to go.

A Ghost on our Porch

{the Ghost Chili Peppers growing in a pot on our porch – the hottest pepper on earth. there are no plans to eat it. just great fun to grow it!}

Genesis 32 :: A Meditation

Jacob was alone and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When he saw that he couldn't get the best of Jacob as they wrestled, he deliberately threw Jacob's hip out of joint.

you don't play fair.
i gave you six years of my life. full-time years. i gave you the very best i had and all you did was laugh and watch me bleed. alone.

The man said, "Let me go, it's daybreak."
Jacob said, "I'm not letting you go until you bless me."
The man said, "What's your name?"
He answered, "Jacob."
The man said, "Not anymore. From now on your name is Israel (God-Wrestler); you've wrestled with God and you've come through."

you badger and torment. hound and nag – asking, seeking, wanting.

more. more. more.

here's my answer – i can't. i'm scared. i want to. but i don't trust you anymore.
push, pull. yes, no.
a struggling, stumbling battle that leads to exhaustion.

Jacob asked, "And what's your name?"
"Why do you want to know my name?" And then, right then and there, he blessed him.

here's what i have to say to you –
MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN OR LEAVE ME ALONE.

emptiness slowly reshapes itself into surrender
like smooth stones in a forgotten, overgrown creek.

Jacob named the place Penniel (God's Face) because, he said, "I saw God's face to face and lived." The sun came up as Jacob left Penniel, limping because of his hip.

i put my hands over my face as i sit in the truck.
'do you know what you're saying?' my companion asks.
i nod.

strip me. burn me. refine me.

here am i lord.
send me.

*all Scriptures are from The Message, a Bible paraphrase by Eugene H. Peterson

Things {Men} Have Taught Me

{just because my primary emotional attachments are to women doesn't mean that i don't find men fascinating. this is one of my favorite men - although there are many contenders in my life. thanks to all of you for teaching me, and letting me peek through the curtain to the other side.}

:: It's perfectly acceptable to do one thing at a time. Focus on the task at hand, give it every bit of attention, get it done and move on.

:: In everything you do, give it your all.

:: Life is a contest. Every. Single. Part. Of. It.

:: Quit apologizing all the time. Not everything is your fault. Sometimes shit just happens and you don't have to say you're sorry.

:: Speaking of apologizing – you don't have to be remorseful for having sexual expression and desire.

:: Work hard. Play often. Then lay on the couch and forget about everything else.

:: The cares of the entire world and every person in it are not all yours to minister to, look after and keep safe today.

:: Love fiercely. It's a state of mind.

The Monday After

Notes from Ignite Chicago. . .

:: It was hot and I got a sunburn.

:: It was totally worth the sweat and the prickly skin.

:: Charismatic Christianity still makes me uncomfortable. I can't help but think of Jesus telling the Pharisees to go to their prayer closets and not make such a show of their praying.


:: Third Day helped me fall in love with God all over again.

:: The crowd was a little tiny, eensie bit more diverse than the last time I was in a group of several thousand churchy-type people. I was still uncomfortable, but not as much as in the past. . . I actually wasn't the only person there with a tattoo and our gay-dar went off a few times.

:: Needtobreathe is a very fun group of good ol' boys from South Carolina. It's just a plus that they do music with a spiritual bent. I would like them either way.

:: My favorite quote from the weekend came from Derek Webb, the 40-something front man for Third Day. In talking about how the group has been together for sixteen years he said, "Old people can still rock! Is that all right with you?" I say, "Preach it brother!"

:: And finally, lest I get too comfortable or dare think things are actually changing very much in the church, I was handed this on the way out the gate –


Ahhh, well. I refuse to let one bad apple ruin the whole weekend!

Road Trip

Who: Me! Invited by Scott M. completely spur of the moment on Thursday!

What: Ignite Chicago

When: We left at 6:00 this morning! The last concert (Mercy Me!) ends at 10:25 p.m. on Sunday. It's going to make for a very long Monday. . .

Where: Chicago

Why: Why not?? I love music, my friend Scott and my new favorite band is needtobreathe. Nearly the only way I can worship right now is through good, honest music – offered with authenticity. How's this for some lyrics that speak truth to power. . .

I was born in a house in a town just like your own

I was raised to believe in the power of the unknown

'Cause when the answers and the truth take different sides

Will you still find me

Will you still see me through smoke

–needtobreathe, "Through Smoke" from the album The Outsiders

I may try to post some pics from my phone here this weekend. . .if I can figure out how to do it!

Have a great weekend!

Knitting Again

{I've been knitting again. A return to a peaceful rhythm of creation and balance.}

Winter neckwarmer, 100% cashmere. Decadent. Can't wait to wear it!

Last Day

Yesterday was my last day to work in Bluffton. The company I work for is opening a new shop and I will be traveling to Tiffin every day. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little sad.

I love Bluffton. I went to college there. I lived there for almost fifteen years after that. When people came into the shop I knew their name. They knew mine. I gave their dogs biscuits and some of the friendlier canine companions came around the counter, wagging their tails at me because they knew what was in store.

I love the quaint streets with quirky little shops and restaurants that are only open a few hours, a few days a week.

I will miss spending my days here, among the people I probably know best in the world. And who know me in return.

Things {Photography} Is Teaching Me About Life

:: Be bold and daring! If you see something that strikes your fancy, pull the car over to the side of the road and get out. {That's a looong way from my "normal" character.}

:: There is no time like the present. If you don't stop and get the shot RIGHT NOW it will be gone tomorrow.

:: Being behind the lens of a camera is a little bit like being an actor. You can do things that you might never attempt if you were just "being yourself."

:: Listen to the light. It will tell you what direction to take.

:: Wait. Listen. Look. Wait some more. Only then can you proceed with confidence.

:: It's all about perspective. Make yours different.

:: Look for obscurity. The little things are so much more interesting than the stuff that everyone sees all the time.

:: Patience. You're never too old to learn.

Old Scars

I think I've been spending the last three and a half years growing around a scar shaped like Open Door Community Church's absence.

At last, perhaps, the hurt has been fully absorbed.

It's funny. You don't really notice when pain is finally gone. When you live with it for a long enough period of time it becomes something like a shadow that follows you - bothersome at first, just another quirk of life after awhile. Then, one day, you look for your old companion and you realize that ever-aching tender place is nowhere to be found. You poke around, trying to find the hurt and all you find is a healed up scar and the realization that you are so much more than the sum of all your sorrows.

When the article appeared in the Courier a couple of weeks ago about the church, my cell phone rang off the hook and I got a ton of emails from people who felt betrayed and hurt all over again. My heart understood their pain, but here's the only advice I could find – let the scar tissue grow.

Perhaps, in the end, pain is nothing more than another form of baptism – when you arrive on the other side you have been transformed, regenerated and are ready to live again.

Pond Party

It was a party at Donnell Pond. The guest list was exclusive – just Sammy and his two closest moms. The party was perfect for a hot, summer Sunday afternoon!

{He's a master of fetch, even in the water! Next time, instead of a stick

we will take a tennis ball}

{just taking a little look-see at the fountain}

{chase me, momma! chase me!}

{it was the very best of days!!!}

Faith and Bread

Frank Wilson challenged me to write a new six word story based on the events of the last month – here is my effort. (The first crack at it is here.)

Plummeting, I prayed –

Faith becoming bread.

In This Moment {what is real}

In this moment::

{since losing the cleaning account last month I've worked really hard at living in an attitude of abundance. i've had moments of success and moments of rocking, sea-sick inducing failure.}

{i've breathed, prayed, wondered and wandered. what should I be when I grow up?}

{i've learned that, more than anything, i want to make a difference – in the world, in the life of another human being, in my own heart – again.}

{i've learned that i'm ready to take risks again.}

{i've taken an 8-hour class, gotten a background check, learned CPR and first-aid so that, tomorrow, I can apply to be licensed to help people with developmental disabilities live fuller, more independent, more joyful lives.}

{i fully expect that just the opposite will be true. they will, no doubt, teach me.}

{i'm considering what it might take to go to school and earn my M.Div. i believe that being a hospice chaplain would be the most rewarding, intense, amazing job on the planet. mostly because i believe that death is a sacred journey and no one should have to be unprepared or should have to walk that way alone.}

{in coming to peace with the fear of losing things dear to me without the cleaning account, the most amazing thing happened – i got the cleaning account back.*}

{while i contemplated losing the house, i wondered how i could ever afford grad school. i must believe that abundance will find a way. or there will be a miracle.}

{i am awed by all these things, for they are holy.}

* i don't believe for even one second that I did anything "right" or "good" to get the account back, any more than I believe that I did anything "wrong" or "bad" to lose it in the first place. that's not the kind of theology i subscribe to.

Tell Us How You Really Feel

{It's hot. . . The humidity is killing me. I'm tired.

Did I mention that it's hot??

Just trying to catch a little breeze here. . .

You got a problem with that??}

Heartland Barn

{Barn in the Heartland of Ohio • County Road 313, between Findlay and Bluffton}

"The only thing that can endure deep doubt or anxiety is deep faith. You will not allow yourselves to enter into complexity, ambiguity, mystery, or the partial darkness that everything is, without a very strong faith. You will close down. I have found that those who can tolerate ambiguity and hold darkness are those who rise to great faith. Faith gets purified every time you go through the cycle of doubt and failure. On this wheel of fortune just about everything is purified: our self-image, our God-image, our worldview. A full life could be described as these three worlds—ever expanding."

~ Richard Rohr

Old Barn, Revisited

{original photograph}

{revisited photo with artistic license (and mad Photoshop skillz?!)}

Thoughts? Preferences? Feel free to chime in!

Abundance

{Tri-Colored Birch Tree • Liberty Street, Findlay}

{It's a lovely pink color that lasts all summer long. It gives, with no thought or fear of what tomorrow might bring.}

Genesis –
a song of abundance
"it is good, it is good, it is good!"
The plants, the birds, the fish.
Humankind.

It's all good.

We're all good.

Enter fear and doubt.
"What if there's not enough?"
"What about me/mine/ours?"
Clutching. Fearful. Ruthless.
Stingy. Grabby. Controlling.

A theology of abundance
locked in a struggle with
the myth of scarcity.

Where do I choose to live?

I must choose to believe that
the power of future
is carefully
attended to
watered
nurtured
and cherished
by the hands of those
who trust abundance.

And I will be there.

Huh?

{downtown Findlay, Ohio • underneath some new building repairs}

:: Why?? Is it being held hostage?

She Hits! (And Eventually She Scores!)

{softball game • recreation league • Sunday, July 11, 2010}

It was a loss, but not for lack of good hitting!

Old Barn Doorway

{barn built in 1840 • near Carey, Ohio}

Two Wheeler

{Great Crossing Elementary School • Mrs. House's Fifth Grade Class • 1975}*

Looking at my ten-year-old-self in this photograph makes me feel a little reflective. She is the tallest girl in the back row – she was always the tallest girl and always in the back row. I search her face for the signs of discomfort but find an openness I don't remember possessing.

Her favorite three-season activity in that tenth year was riding her bike. It was a red two-wheeler with a banana seat and white streamers that danced from the handlebars in the afternoon breeze. She was unobstructed and self-determined on that bicycle. Nothing mattered but the capability of her legs and the driveway in front of her.

It was a bike with coaster brakes. If she went too fast she could only engage the brakes by pushing the pedals backwards. There was a trick to it however. Reversing the pedals too quickly had the unfortunate consequence of making the back end skid sideways. Occasionally, her stops were more violent than they needed to be. She got more than a few pieces of gravel that had to picked out of her knees from attempting to slam that bike to a stop with a little too much force.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thirty-five years later I know so much more about life and about bicycles. Revelations. Realizations. Determinations. One thing I've learned is this: Life speeds up as I grow older, but my body has begun to slow down.

A hard lesson.

I want more. More time. More energy. I want to stay outside and play until dark and not come in until someone calls my name. I don't want to reinvent the wheel. I just want a new bicycle. One without training wheels. One that lets me careen downhill with the wind streaming through my hair. One that lets me coast in front of my house with arms raised over my head as though I could balance that way forever.

I know I cannot pedal backwards and see the things that I've missed. I learned long ago that trying to stop forward momentum can easily lead to scars.

But I want the energy to pay attention. To appreciate life while I still have the strength to pedal.

* I snagged this photo from Facebook where someone in my class in 5th grade had posted it. I hadn't seen this picture in years.

Shower Magic

{sprinklers in the garden in the evening sun}

Things {A Speeding Ticket} Has Taught Me

:: Even though you've never been caught before, doesn't mean you never will. Invincibility is worn most comfortably by teenaged boys.

:: Standing in the line marked "Bonds, Criminal Complaints and Other Citations" made me feel kind of nauseated.

:: The cruise control on my car actually works. I know, right?

:: Using the aforementioned cruise control boosts your gas mileage. Who knew?? (you mean getting there faster doesn't actually save gas?? just kidding. . .)

:: I don't like spending money on nothing.

:: When the amicable Deputy Sheriff hands you a citation and then says, "Have a nice day," I think she may be poking fun at your expense. Literally.

:: That it will be a heck of a long time before my improved gas mileage equals $115 bucks. . .

Ohio Morning

{Suter's Farm, Pandora, Ohio}

First Harvest

We planted twelve tomato plants in our next door neighbor's back yard. (He doesn't have dogs. And we promised him all the tomatoes he wanted!) There are four Sweet 100 Cherry Tomato plants, four Lemon Boy yellow tomato plants and four Brandywines. Instead of the traditional tilled bed we planted them in Miracle Grow Potting Soil bags. (instructions here)

I've been gardening and growing tomatoes all my life and I've never seen anything like these things. They have gone wild.

We harvested our first four tiny tomatoes last night. They were barely around long enough to photograph. . . sorry Tim. You weren't home so we ate them all!

The Fourth :: In Pictures

Scenes from the 4th of July picnic at the lake –

{a Fourth of July popsicle}

{Barkley plays cornhole}

{Old Glory}

Carnage

I was cleaning and organizing the craft room yesterday morning when my cell phone rang. I glanced at the caller ID and saw that the call was coming from a nice young man who was, at that very moment, on my roof. (I hired him to paint the metal roof this summer so it would be good to go for another 15 years or so.) Thinking he must need some supplies or something, I answered and this is a transcription of our very short conversation.

Matthew (who was able to survey the whole scene from his perch on the apex of my two story roof): "Uh. Your dog just killed a squirrel."

Me: "Oh. That happens all the time."

Matthew: "Ummm. . .It's pretty bad. You better go look. There's like, a lot of blood? And, you know, it's ummmm, kinda bad."

Me: "F*ck! (long pause) Excuse my language."

Matthew: "No problem."

The carnage began in the backyard but the bloodshed spilled over into the garage. It was everywhere – dripping from the back door, pooled in quickly congealing blobs on the concrete floor and slung onto everything in a five foot radius.

Usually Oliver gets the squirrel. This time the squirrel got Oliver. . .just before the squirrel departed this world in a blaze of dog slashing glory.

At first I thought Oliver must be dying. The blood was running off his face in rivulets. I got some wet washcloths and tried to staunch the flow while simultaneously fending off a very concerned Sammy and calling the vet. They told me to apply pressure and bring him in if I couldn't get it stopped or if the cuts were very deep. After I finally got it stopped this is what I found. . .

Absolutely nothing! There must be a small puncture wound about an inch from his eye. He's obviously fine.

As I scrubbed the garage floor on my hands and knees with a bucket of soapy water a disturbing thought dawned on me. I hope to God we never have to have some crime scene investigation team in our garage. If they shine those blue lights on my garage floor I'm gonna have a hell of a lot of explainin' to do!

Weekend Remedy

{Ali's feet, on the beach}

Playing With Words

Ernest Hemingway's colleagues once challenged him to write a story in just six words. His offering – "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." He is said to have called it his best work. There are websites devoted to the six word challenge.

I thought I might give it a try.

{photo entitled :: waiting}

Letter came. Job went. Unease remained.

Stubbornness

See that little plant stubbornly coming up in the crack of our front steps? It's sweet basil. And it has no business growing right there. Nobody planted it. Nobody cared for it. It has to be just barely rooted.

But still it grows. Doing what it was designed to do.

I kinda feel like that little guy. Holding on. Doing the best I can, but with a somewhat uncertain future.

I found out two days ago that my bid for the cleaning account (that makes our house payment) wasn't good enough. It was the lowest price. The facility manager has no complaints with my service or attention to detail. My downfall is that I'm a small, local provider and the multi-national corporation wants to only deal with national companies. So, I'm being replaced by an outfit out of San Francisco. And my house payment goes to California.

Six years of good service and commitment don't seem to make a difference. Neither does lowest price. Nor does keeping local money, local.

There's a chance the "big boys" will let me subcontract since they don't have a local affiliate. But how long do I stand around, waiting?

The shock is starting to wear off and the exasperation is setting in. I guess, for now, I'll just stubbornly hang on.